Who You'd Be Today.

I normally have positive uplifting things to say. But today I dont. Sometimes you really just need to cry and let it out. The holidays are especially hard for me, I miss my Mom a great deal. And I cant help but wonder what Thanksgiving would have been like if she would have been here. Who would I be today if my Mom was still here? I know I would not be the same person. Kenny Chesney pretty much sums it up in his song Who You'd Be Today. I wish everyday that my Mother was here to give me advice, be the wind at my back, and to hang out with. But then again who would I be today?

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Amor,
Ashley

Skype Therapy

Skype, for those of you who don't know, is a software application that allows users to make voice calls over the Internet. I cannot decide how I feel about randomly skyping people, but I do know how I feel about skyping my best friends. It is therapy. In college when some of our best friends are not with us and we need to talk to them about our lives we now that the technology to see them and have conversations with them over the computer. I do not get to see my best friends everyday but at least once a week I skype my good friend Ali and it truly makes my week SO much better. I get to laugh and just talk and hang out with her all thanks to this little technological, and FREE tool. I also think it will be vital to me when I study abroad so I can see my family and friends through my travels and things in foreign countries.

I just wish I knew how I felt about skyping randoms. They are all my friends and I would definitely talk to them in a face to face situation, but I dont know how I feel about "calling" them and chatting. So how do you feel about this? Is it akward? Should skype be limited to only intimate chats with close friends and family? We could get into the whole "skype sex" thing but thats just a little too far and too akward for me!

Amor,
Ashley

What is the deal with men and their VIDEO GAMES?!

OK. Venting. To whoever invented video games, screw you! Seriously. I have no boyfriend, no lover- no male to even be upset with about playing to many video games and yet I still hate them. I feel the angry vibes coming off of my female friends this week because the new COD "Call of Duty" came out. Even married men. Wow seriously can we not find another hobby? What do women do that is comparable to video games? Please someone help me. I have come to understand video games as the hobby that men never actually liked until they realized that through them they could avoid women. The end.

Amor (Unhappily)
Ashley

The Big C Word.

Cancer. These days everyone knows someone who has it, or has died from it. I would take a wild guess that no one likes cancer, but does everyone hate it as much as I do? Everyone has lost someone close from cancer, mine person just happened to be my Mother. Recently I have been watching a new show appropriately named The Big C, and its a drama about a woman who has Melanoma, the same cancer that killed my mother, the show is painfully true and opens my eyes to alot about life with cancer.

Life with Cancer. We all must adjust to this, maybe the cancerous cells are not taking over our body but they are taking over our world. There must be something we can do. I am so sick of telling people I am praying for them and to be strong and all the other appropriate things to say to someone who is suffering. Crap, its all crap. Yes I am praying for everyone, and I do hope they are magically healed by the power of the Lord, but often the Lord takes another angel and we are left here on this earth to tell others to "be strong and carry on"...its a vicious cycle.

I am here to learn how to live with cancer. So that instead of telling someone to be strong, I can tell them to be weak. Because when you let yourself be weak you learn about yourself and the people you surround yourself with, so be weak for moments. If we must live with cancer we must know that we are not inferior- and we really do not have to act like we do. Being weak teaches you how strong you are, and it also teaches you how important the people you surround yourself with are to your life.

Cancer most often comes with Chemo, the worst C word. Chemo is a powerful drug and sometimes we let it have too much power. I can tell you hands down that if I have the choice to have chemo while I am 80 living with cancer I will choose not to, because often times the worst part about cancer is the chemo. But chemo gave me extra years with my Mom. So I have a love/hate relationship with it. It is so powerful that it can bring more years to your life, but it is so powerful that it can ruin the time you have at the end of your life.

But living with cancer is about living, instead of walking through everyday of life looking at the day behind you or in front of you. Each day should be about living. And that is what cancer is good for, that is why I love cancer- because it is teaching us how to live. Without cancer we were not thinking about the fragility of life..and we are not living for ourselves.

While we do not want to die, not one single one of us is immortal, and while I hate what cancer has done to the ones I love and to my life, I too am thankful for it.

This post is for all of those dealing with cancer right now, know that each day is a lesson, with or without cancer. So be weak and be strong, scream and be silent but do not for one minute let cancer take life away from you because only you can take your life away from you.

Amor,
Ashley

Carpe Diem!

Seize the day. Its Monday, and often I do not seize the day on Monday's which is sad to think about. So this Monday I am challenging myself to seize what is left of the day and I think you should too. Really think about how much life is within yourself and let it shine. Every moment of the day can be meaningful if you let it be. We, especially I, worry about so much petty stuff....just get out there and live and life will come to you with great things!

Amor,
Ashley

Its a big world out there! So shine while you have the chance to shine!

Blogging, I am back at this....its a great outlet. And lets be honest I really need an outlet most days. So here I am at 2:43 A.M. with a large cup of Joe ready to attempt my homework....and I ended up here. So lets make this quick and short. Its November, which is always the worst month of my year, seriously. It is. If you decide to follow me, bear with me..its a bumpy road and you might learn a thing or two, however; you will probably only learn that I cannot use the word no. I really can't. I love people, I want to make everyone happy which leaves me behind most times.
This weekend I moved in to my new apartment, which is glorious. But its like a smack in the face, I just grew up- life is calling. I also have some inherent urge to entertain everyone I know within 100 miles at my new apartment....please if I invite you on a radical whim do not accept! :)
This semester my classes are rough, I have the sophomore blues apparently...I really need something to get me out of this rut, I have some decent grades, some good grades, and some shitty grades. Hmmmmph. I was raised and have every capability to be a fabulous student but I just do not see that happening in the next month or two. I often think of the Tom Brockaw story. The dean at his school told him to get all the boos and fun out of his system one semester and then he finally realized how much school was doing for him and came crawling back the next semester. Sadly, I think having really crappy grades one semester might just give me the kick in the butt I need. And by crappy grades I mean a C, a few B's and a few A's. Thats acceptable right?
I always say, "I just want to work" but who am I to say that...I just love being a nanny. I dont REALLY want to work! My nannying job is perfect, I get to play mother and play working adult...and leave them both behind! I am SO not ready to actually be either of those things, so I will just keep on keepin' on.
I hope you all enjoy my blog, even if no one reads this I will have a fabulous time posting!

Amor,
Ashley